| Shine |
[16 Jan 2006|11:56pm] |
Don't be hiding in sorrow
or clinging to the past
with your beauty so precious
and the season so fast
no matter how cold the horizon appear
or how far the first night
when I held you near
you gotta rise from these ashes
like a bird of flame
step out of the shadow
we've gotta go where we can shine
For all that we struggle
for all we pretend
it don't come down to nothing
except love in the end
and ours is a road
that is strewn with goodbyes
but as it unfolds
as it all unwinds
remember your soul is the one thing
you can't compromise
take my hand
we're gonna go where we can shine
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[13 Oct 2005|08:54pm] |
Of all the things I've believed in
I just want to get it over with
tears form behind my eyes
but I do not cry
Counting the days that pass me by
I've been searching deep down in my soul
Words that I'm hearing are starting to get old
Looks like I'm starting all over again
The last three years were just pretend
Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything that I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
I still get lost in your eyes
And it seems like I can't live a day without you
Closing my eyes till you chase my thoughts away
To a place where I am blinded by the light but it's not right
Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
It hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time
I want whats yours and I want whats mine
I want you
but I'm not giving in this time
Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
And when the stars fall
I will lie awake...
You're my shooting star
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[15 Oct 2004|11:39pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 lonely |
] |
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music |
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David Gray |
] |
Wow, it's been awhile. I feel like I turn to this journal as a last resort, when I feel like there is no one else to talk to. No one wants to hear my sad pity me stories, so I come here. In a way, its nice. In another respect, it's pathetic.
So, I'm here at SPU. I never thought I would make it this far. I could never imagine myself past high school. Then when that ended, I thought the summer would go on forever. When that was over, I wondered where in the world it had gone. Then, 3 weeks ago I made my journey up to Seattle. As I got closer, I had tears streaming down my face. I was so unsure and scared of what awaited me here. I hated the thought of leaving the few, amazingly close people I had in my life.
The second I got here, everything moved so fast. Unpacking, decorating my room, meeting people, participating in freshman events. Mike left. That was hard. I felt like I was in a movie, where the couple you want to be together has to part. I felt like I was looking at him for the last time. If I wouldnt have had to rush off to do something else, I would have crawled up under my sheets and dehydrated myself of every salty drop there was inside of me. But I couldn't. I had no time to deal. He was just gone.
Then mom left, and I really was all by myself. Sleeping next to a complete stranger, in a new room in a new community in a new state. I felt like I embraced it. I pushed myself to be more extroverted and talkative. I quickly met some people. I hung out with crazy Catherine who introduced me to Ashley. I occupied my time any way I could. I didn't leave any moment for me to have my own time to adjust. I spent tons of time going out and about with Ashley. I went up to Cathy's dorm and made several runs to Bubble Tea.
But things aren't as fun now. Cathy is busy. Ashley is driving me nuts. I am having a hard time with my roommate and with the fact that I am inhibited by this dorm to make many friends. It's the smallest one, we have like a 1/4 of the people that the other dorms have. Most of the people here are reserved, quiet, studious, akward, introverted freshman. But most of all I miss home. I feel like an idiot for being homesick, I never would have guessed it would be this way. I miss my parents who have always been such a constant for me. I miss my Maggie who would love and give me wet kisses no matter what and who would sleep beside me and comfort me. I miss Jane, who I swear has the same innate kiddie-ness to her, who gives me so many compliments, who I can talk about anything with, who I can play boggle with, go tanning with, run errands with. I miss her understanding and willingness to always listen. She is the best listener ever. I havent found someone here who can carry on a conversation without relating everything back to themselves. She was the best about that.
But above everything else, I miss Michael. I saw him just about everyday for over 3 years, now I see him none. He made me feel so safe and wanted. He made me feel so loved and respected and... ugh, I cant even describe all the ways he made me feel. I would be content spending the rest of my days with him... so incredibly unbelievably content. We were so perfect. We had the same sense of humor, the same playfulness, maturity, love of good food and spending money and having fun. We had so much. Now we dont. We are no longer the us I loved so much. We are just two single people and frankly I dont know how to deal with it.
I had a bad dream that he got engaged 3 weeks after we broke up. His family loved the girl and I hated that and they hated me for that. They wouldnt even talk to me, and he treated me like a stranger. I woke up scared. It felt so real that I had to call him and make sure. Ever since then, I have been so melancholy. Going out tonight to a movie and seeing all the cute couples and aching for their loving interaction didnt help. Seeing a movie about finding that someone and not letting them go didn't help either. Seeing Michael and my favorite restaurant and not having him there to see it with me made me ache. Being around girls who only talk about themselves doesn't make me like this situation any more. Calling Michael and having the phone die didn't make it any better.
I need break from here, from these people. I need to be able to have a decent conversation. I need a hug.
I really need to cry.
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| Way too random... |
[02 Apr 2004|11:19am] |
Here I am at lunch bored as heck. So incredibly bored that I decided to update this thing. My last entry was November of 2002, wow! ANd yet I feel like nothing very significant has happened in that amount of time. Nobody died, I didn't win the lottery (yet) and MIke and I are still together.
I just finshed watching a TOK presentation which many of my fellow livejournalers might remember. It was about Sasquatch and it was so bad it was hard to keep myself from not busting out laughing. Jason Kerr was part of the group and he presented the religious side of it which was the most agonizing thing I have ever seen. He didnt prepare and most of the time he was presenting was actually silence. It was much like his performance at Mr. Gresham. There are definitely ways he could have avoided the humiliation in both situations but he certainly didn't. Sometimes you just have to shut up and sit on the sidelines. Is that mean of me to say?
This morning I went to a class called exercise boot camp at MHCC with Jane. Not quite boot camp but oh well. I need something like this real bad. It's a blessing I have the opportunity.
I realized yesterday I spend alot of money on superficial, vanity items. Tanning, teeth whitening strips, tons of clothes, the exercise class to lose weight. I dont think I have bought anything worthwhile with one paycheck yet. I feel bad about this but I am not sure what else I would do with the money.
What a random post. Hopefully no one still reads my journal. If so, sorry guys. But you all know what boredom can do to a person.
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| HAHAHA |
[18 Nov 2002|09:30pm] |
Once upon a time in a land far away, a beautiful, independent,
self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said, "Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am. Then, my sweet, we can marry and set housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so."
That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a feast of lightly
sautéed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled and thought to herself, "I don't freakin' think so."
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| On the Bandwagon... |
[17 Nov 2002|04:45pm] |
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mood |
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 sleepy |
] |
| [ |
music |
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New Scots cd |
] |
I decided to jump on the bandwagon...
-- Name: Allison Elizabeth Whitney
-- Birthdate: August 19th, 1986
-- Birthplace: Portland
-- Current Location: Home in Gresham
-- Eye Color: Hazel which is a mixture of green and brown
-- Hair Color: light brown with a golden-blondishness to it
-- Righty or Lefty: Right
-- Zodiac Sign: Leo
// series two - describe
-- Your heritage: Scoth-Irish, Scotch (yes it’s different from being Scoth-Irish), Welsch, English
-- The shoes you wore today: Classic beat-up Jack Purcells
-- Your weakness?: uhm, where to begin... chocolate, food in general, procrastination, etc...
-- Your perfect pizza: Pizza Hut’s Pan Pizza with pineapple
-- One thing you'd like to achieve: Sorry but theres 2! Going to Germany and getting my doctorite in psychology
// series three - what is
-- Your most overused phrase on aim: probably the smiley face :)
-- Your thoughts first waking up: Do I have to?!?!
-- The first feature you notice in the opposite sex: Face
-- Your best physical feature: toss up between eyes and teeth
-- Your bedtime: whenever
-- Your greatest accomplishment: not conforming to the bad things that people do in high school like drinking, smoking, drugs, sex
// series four - you prefer
-- Pepsi or coke: pepsi
-- McDonald's or Burger King: i dont do fast food
-- Single or group dates: Single
-- Adidas or nike: Adidas
-- Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: Nestea
-- Chocolate or vanilla: Definitely chocolate
-- Boxers or briefs: Definitely boxers on a guy
// series five - do you
-- Smoke: Nope
-- Cuss: No.
-- Sing well: No but I will someday
-- Take a shower everyday: Heck yah
-- Have a crush(es): oh yes
-- Who are they: Michael Phillips
-- Do you think you've been in love: Yes I know it
-- Want to go to college: Most definitely
-- Like high school: Not at all
-- Want to get married: Thats one of the things I want most in life
-- Type w/ your fingers on the right keys: Oh no :)
-- Believe in yourself: Yes, for the most part
-- Get motion sickness: Yes
-- Think you're a health freak: Most of the time I am
-- Get along with your parents: Lately yes, but we do fight alot
-- Like thunderstorms: They’re fun to watch and see pictures of and fun when the power goes out but I would never want to be outside, in one
-- Play an instrument: I wish
// series six - in the past month, did/have you
-- Drank alcohol: A little wine
-- Smoke(d): No
-- Done a drug: Heavens No
-- Have Sex: Nope
-- Made Out: Of course, where do you think Mike’s hicky came from? :)
-- Go on a date: Yes
-- Go to the mall?: Goodness yes
-- Eaten an entire box of Oreos: No way, can you imagine the calories involved! :)
-- Eaten sushi: Heck no, no fish for me
-- Been on stage: Nope
-- Been dumped: No
-- Gone skating: Nope
-- Made homemade cookies: I might have
-- Been in love: Yes
-- Gone skinny dipping: No
-- Dyed your hair: No
-- Stolen anything: No
// series seven - have you ever
-- Played a game that required removal of clothing: I cant remember
-- If so, was it mixed company: If i did play, which I’m not sure of, then yes
-- Been trashed or extremely intoxicated: No
-- Been caught "doing something": Nope
-- Been called a tease: Yep
-- Gotten beaten up: No, I do the beating :)
-- Changed who you were to fit in: Yea
// series eight - the future
-- Age you hope to be married: Mid-twenties
-- Numbers and Names of Children: 4, and I know 2 names... Heidi Ann Scott Christian
-- Describe your Dream Wedding: Outside, maybe on the beach, but definitely some significant beautiful place. Other than that, all I want is that it to be with the right man
-- How do you want to die: A Christian
-- Where you want to go to college: U of O
-- What do you want to be when you grow up: I want to do something that helps people. Particularly something in the social sciences area
-- What country would you most like to visit: I want to go to Germany so bad, its one of my dreams
// series nine - opposite sex
-- Best eye color?: It really dosnt matter, but I do like dark or blue eyes
-- Best hair color?: I prefer dark hair too
-- Short or long hair?: I like guys with short hair, no mullets of ponytails
-- Best height: Probably taller than me
-- Best weight: I like guys with meat on them
-- Best articles of clothing: button down shirts or sweaters
-- Best first date location: Laurelhurst Park
-- Best first kiss location: Geographically it doesnt matter, under the mistletoe has always been a fantasy of mine though. Location on the body would probbaly have to be the lips.
// series ten - number of
-- Number of girls I have kissed in my life: 1
-- Number of boys I have kissed: 3
-- Number of drugs taken illegally: None
-- Number of people I could trust with my life: probably about 6 or 7
-- Number of cds that i own: over 100
-- Number of piercings: Dos
-- What are they: Ears
-- Number of tattoos: None
-- What are they? Dont gots none
-- Number of times my name has appeared in the newspaper?: A few for honor roll
-- Number of things in my past that I regret: ALOT!
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[13 Jul 2002|02:01pm] |
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mood |
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rejected |
] |
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music |
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Brandy- Have You Ever |
] |
It used to be that my diary was my only friend. I'd sit in my room and tell it what I thought about everything and everyone. I'd tell it aout Ryan Townsend and how much I either hated or had the hots for him at the time. I'd tell it about Chris, Mike Butz, Ryan Watson, Craig, Tony, Josh and all those other boys I liked. I'd also sit there on those lonley days and tell it about the party I wasn't invited to or how much it hurt me when Angela chose a new best friend. Unfortunately it seems as though I am back there once again.
I hate the way the days change. A few days ago I was having an awesome day, I felt like nothing could top that day. And I felt life was good... like nothing could go wrong. But then I came back from the beach and back to the old ways. Angela once again blew me off... big time. I cant stand how much it hurts every time. And how I let myself become so vulnerable. I just never catch on and get it. It hurts so bad.
I wish she knew that she makes me cry because she makes me feel like I am not worthy to be around. I never feel like I can be good enough for her and her family. I know they dont think I or my parents are religious enough. They think I'm odd when I dont want to, or better yet, know how to go onto the streets and start spreading the Word. I am not built like that. I have my own ways of doing things. She makes me hate myself because I figure I am the one who is not right. She really is one of the worst friends I could ever ask for because she totally plays games with me.
I need more friends, I really do. But its my own freaking fault. Then again that's the way I'm built... too bad it's so unhealthy.
I wish Jaymee was still living in Gresham.
I wish Risha wasn't so wrapped up with her church people and could make some time for me.
I wish I could find a friend that could make me feel better about myself.
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[08 Apr 2002|11:27pm] |
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mood |
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 bouncy |
] |
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music |
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Dispatch- Elias |
] |
Thank you so much for the cd you burned me, Jessica! It has like a ton of their awesome songs I listen to over at Mike's. He has some of their music on his computer but then there's me, having a Mac and no program to get music from, couldn't listen to them. But now I can thanks to you.
We need to hang out like you mentioned before (or maybe it was during) Spring break. My vote is for bowling or a hockey game. Are the Winterhawks still in the playoffs or did they lose their series with.... Spokane was it? I can't remember! Anywho, thanks again!
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| I am blessed. |
[03 Apr 2002|08:32pm] |
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mood |
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 thankful |
] |
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music |
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Jewel- You Were Meant For Me |
] |
My mom just told me about a kid at her school that she has been spending alot of time with lately, for various reasons. He has an IQ of 138 or 183, I can't quite remember. And he's also a physically cute little guy. He is growing up in an adoptive home because his birth-mom was a druggie so he was born a crack-kid and his mom died of an overdose. The adoptive mother for some reason doesnt like him whatsoever. She is really mean to him for no apparent reason. There are 2 other adopted kids in the family so it's not because he is the adopted one.
My mom asked the kid what he did for Spring Break. He said his family went to Disneyland and didn't take him along. Instead they dropped him off at some people's house, where that family put him to work doing grunt work for them, such as pulling weeds, sweeping, etc. He's in second grade! He told my mom about some neat rice krispy treats his family brought back that were in the shape of Mickey Mouse's head and had licorice for the whiskers. My mom said he went on and on about them so she asked if it tasted good. She said his expression dropped and he told her they didnt give him one but they let him watch them eat the treats. So my mom asked him if they had brought anything back for him. He said they brought him back a picture of them going down Splash Mountain... without him.
My mom's opinion, which is a good one because she has a masters degree in counseling, is that the family adopted them because they felt it was their Christian duty. How could anyone do such mean things in the name of God? They are killing him inside. The more they are mean to him, the more he lashes out at school because he can't explode at home for fear of the consequences. My mom is trying to work with the kid's therapist but the mother keeps bad mouthing my mom to the therapist so he has a skewed image of how my mom is trying to help the child. She feels so helpless. I dont think I ever realized how many emotions went into my moms job. She is so good at what she does and she doesnt get very much credit for what she does.
I feel so bad for this kid too. He's a genius, but no one really sees that. People just think he is a pain because he has fits of anger. But he cant help that.
I can never think that:
a) I have a tough life or
b) my mom is mean and horrible and a bad mom
... because my life is nothing like that kids and my mom is nothing like his mom.
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[03 Apr 2002|12:37am] |
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Ouch.
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[28 Mar 2002|05:00pm] |
I hate it when males look at me up and down over and over and then their eyes rest on my arse. Almost all Mexican men look at me that way. Its the most digusting feeling to know that someone is most likely undressing me with their eyes. They dont bother to realize I have alot more going for me than just my body. I have a heart, a mind, a spirit and a future. They dont even deserve to look at me.
I dont much care for men. There are good ones out there and I am dating one but for the most part guys have little respect for girls... generally speaking. I am usually seen as a face without an identity but with boobs and a butt. I hate that and if there was one thing I could change in the entire world it would be for men to have more respect for women. That might help solve alot of things like rapes and some domestic violence.
I'm so freaking sick of being looked at.
nobody bothers to notice
i am an individual
with eyes
a heart
a brain
feelings
those things make me who i am
my body
with its curves and imperfections
are not who i am
look at me
look into my eyes
dont rate me
dont judge me
you wont take the time
to look inside
this body
with its curves and imperfections
so dont look at me at all
~me
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[21 Mar 2002|09:15pm] |
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mood |
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 relaxed |
] |
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music |
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Jewel- Hands |
] |
If I could tell the world just one thing
It would be that we're all ok
And not to worry because worry is wasteful
and useless in times like these
I will not be made useless
I won't be idled with despair
I will gather myself around my faith
for light does the darkness most fear
My hands are small, I know,
but they're not yours they are my own
but they're not yours they are my own
and I am never broken
Poverty stole your golden shoes
but it didn't steal your laughter
And heartache came to visit me
but i knew it wasn't ever after
We will fight, not out of spite
for someone must stand up for what's right
cause where there's a man who has no voice
there ours shall go singing
In the end only kindness matters
In the end only kindness matters
I will get down on my knees and I will pray
I will get down on my knees and I will pray
I will get down on my knees and I will pray
My hands are small, I know,
but they're not yours they are my own
but they're not yours they are my own
and I am never broken
My hands are small, i know,
but they're not yours they are my own
but they're not yours they are my own
and I am never broken
We are never broken
We are God's eyes
God's hands
God's mind
We are God's eyes
God's hands
God's heart
We are God's eyes
God's hands
God's eyes
God's hands
We are God's hands
God's hands
We are God's hands
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[19 Mar 2002|10:02pm] |
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mood |
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depressed |
] |
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music |
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Dixie Chicks- Sometimes I Cry |
] |
Life was good.
Vacation with my family and Mike
was in a few days.
All my homework was done.
I had little cares as I walked up those stairs.
Ang was outside the door,
waiting for me as usual.
Life was perfect.
But Ang didn?t greet me with that same smile and a ?Hi Allie!?
She had a stern, concerned look on her face.
She told me she had to talk to me,
I asked what about.
She looked at me and told me
she was moving away.
Her dad got a full-time job
and she?d be gone sometime in June.
I saw our times together flash before my eyes;
all those beach, Salem, Oktoberfest and Eugene trips.
She was like the sister I never had.
She was my sister? in Christ.
We knew each other since fourth grade
and had been best friends since the days of Mr. Zuch.
We have gone through many struggles together
and overcome them all.
I have been blessed enough to watch her grow:
grow in Christ and in faith.
I have witnessed her transformation
into a caring and spiritual person.
Now all I can do is stand here and stare at her in disbelief.
All those memories stripped away from me? from us.
My jaw was locked shut.
I had no words.
I became scared,
scared to live the rest of my life without her.
I became sad,
sad that our friendship would never be the same.
I was upset,
upset that there wouldnt be anymore meories to create.
I was afraid,
afraid that she wouldnt be at my wedding as we had dreamed about when we were younger.
I looked at her,
torn and hurting.
I stared in disbelief.
All I could say was, ?I?ll see you after class.?
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[15 Mar 2002|02:17pm] |
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mood |
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 high |
] |
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music |
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Beastie Boys- Body Movin' |
] |
Ahhhhhh...
I just got done working out. I haven't done that in awhile. Forgot how good it feels. It's like a high... I feel so in control and light :) Some Tae-Bo, running and trying to lift my dads weights feels sooooooo good.
I'm kinda tryin to lose a few pounds before the journalism trip to Arizona. I want to be able to feel and look good in a two piece while we are at the water park. Yes yes, all of you will be in class working hard and I'll be soaking up the rays at a water park! I also wanna be a little more brown than I am now so I don't turn into a lobster, so now I am contemplating going tanning today. The problem is that its expensive and its my own money which I don't have very much of. I'm afraid I'd go buy the tans and not have the time to use them. There's also that motivation issue too. It takes alot to get dressed and walk 2 blocks to the place. Haha
Today is a yucky day. Rain rain rain, blah blah blah. It would kinda be a fun day to go out and take pictures though. Except I have no way to do this. I submitted like a ton of pictures to the Main Street Revolution. I really hope some of them get in. Everyone I showed the pictures to in Gazette were pretty impressed from what I could tell. It'll be fun to see what kind of pictures people like. I wish I had more ways to show people my pictures. I guess this will be a good chance though. Unfortunately its printed in black and white and almost all my pictures are color 'cept for the ones I took in photo class. It takes alot out of a sunset if its not printed in color but we'll see.
My mom is finally getting a new car! Its a silver 2002 Volkswagen Passat. I am so stoked cuz she has had the same yucky Honda for 14 years! It'll be so nice for a change. The only thing I don't like about it is the color. I mean, silver looks great on it and all but every Passat I see is silver. I wish she woulda gone for the blue silver, its sooooo much nicer. But I guess I should appreciate the fact we are finally getting a new car and silver is what my momma wants.
It's going to have a sun roof and a cd player! I know that sounds pretty lame but my family has never had a car with a cd player. It'll be so awesome.
Spring break is in a week. My family is going to the beach for like 4 days, just like we do every spring. Usually I have a friend come along but this year Angela ditched me for a retreat. She told me months ago she was sure she could come, then like 2 weeks ago she says she's going to a retreat instead. She spends all her time with the church her dad is temporarily the pastor at. She isn't even like a friend anymore, let alone a best friend. I called her a few times and I always get the answering machine so I leave a message and she never calls me back. She used to.
So I am currently trying to think of ways to persuade my mom into letting Mike come along. I know that sounds kinda bad but its not. He is my best friend. We do everything together, we talk about everything together and we have shared tonz of good times together. My mom isn't comfortable with it because she doesn't feel she knows Mike as well as she knows Ang. Which is true, but if Mike doesn't come I am going to be so miserable. My parents are very boring. I love 'em but they just dont have the same idea of fun as I do. They like to sit around, read and drink coffee. I like to get out and experience things and be active. I'm lost as to what to do.
Yesterday Mike was over here until 3:30ish am. We watched Rat Race and got to spend some well-needed good time with each other.
His brother mentioned going clubbing tonight which would be a blast seeing as how this sheltered little girl has never gone before. I dont know if it'll happen or not. I love hanging around Jordan because he is sooo funny and he doesn't even think about what he says. He's a person I can really connect with when I talk to. He's very down to earth. I never know how he feels around Mike and I though. I sometimes feel bad when Mike and I have an inside joke or when Mike hugs me around Jordan. I dont understand why he doesn't have a girlfriend, he's such an awesome guy. Plus, very good taste in music.
Umk, I hafta go take Maggie out...
Later
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[11 Mar 2002|11:23pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 thoughtful |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Dixie Chicks- Cowboy Take Me Away |
] |
I was listening to my only country cd tonight, Dixie Chicks, and it reminded me of a time in my life last year. I had met a boy online and he wanted to meet me in person. We talked on the phone. He lived in Milwuakie. He was the 2nd guy online that I had developed a crush on. Many thought and may think I was/am stupid for doing that. i dont care. I liked them cuz they both showed interest in me. I hadn?t had much of that from any guy before.
Public school was like going into a different country where I didn't know the language. I didnt know anything about the new territory. I have been sheltered all my life, I never knew some of the things I have learned from being in public schools for a year and a half. And I dont think I would have ever learned them. People in public schools know alot more than I do, in many respects. They know street smarts, they learned them trying to survive in a harsh world.
At Portland Lutheran I learned how to work hard and apply myself. I learned what it was like to have no friends and how to survive on my own. I learned about religion. I learned about grammar and the civil war. I did 3 science projects. I wrote a 66 page report on Portugal. I learned what it was like to be different from everyone else. I felt different from everyone else for awhile there. But I had my own little family at PLS. I grew up with Marissa, Grace, Ashley, Stephen, Fletcher, Christy, John, Alec. I never had brothers and sisters but I didn't need them. My family at PLS was able to fill that empty spot. We all struggled and loved and overcame just like a family. We learned together, and we fought together.
I had crushes on almost all the guys that were ever in my class and several that weren?t. I learned rejection. I learned, the hard way, that the best way to get a guy to like you is not by being exactly like them. I had a few boyfriends but they were petty. Ryan Watson, Craig Dehning, Chris Burbach. I wasnt allowed to go on dates. I was hurt alot, whether it be by a boy or a friend. Spoiled children can be very harsh at times. I am one, and I can be.
I went through long periods of depression and short periods of anorexia. Although I am a sheltered child, I have a good idea what life is like. I know some of the hard and easy ways. I?ve learned some concepts on my own that some individuals never learn. No longer do I need others to love me for me to love myself... but I did last year. That is partly why I looked to the internet for a boy.
Josh was my first kiss, if you want to even call it that. He was the first guy that I was able to physically show I liked by my actions. We played footsie, we cuddled. He was a hick. I got to sit in the middle of his truck?s bench seat, right next to him. He drove me all the way home from his place to mine with his arm around me. After we went out a few times and I was really beginning to like him, he met my parents and took me out to Sharis. That night he dumped me then went after my best friend at the time. He drove to her place and dropped by some roses for her on Valentines Day.
As weird as it sounds, it didnt take me too long to get over it. I did really like him but we were two totally different people. I have high hopes for my future and he is now trying to get on the bomb squad for the Air Force or something. I used to think about him every one in awhile. I?ll never forget him because he was the first guy that i ever got close with, physically close that is.
But Josh could never amount to Mike. Mike is the most caring, sweetest person I know. I dont need to impress him. I dont need to like any particular type of music for him to like me. I dont need to have makeup on and be skinny and tan and always wearing cute clothes for him to like me. The best thing is that he loves me for me.
His love is unconditional. He is the only one like him. He has a desire to be a better person. Even though he comes up short many times, he never stops trying.
He listens to me and is there for me when I need a shoulder to lean on. He is a beautiful person, my most favorite person. Though he has gone through so much crap, he is still strong. Though he?s not perfect, he tries. I?m never sick of him. He offers me more than I could have ever gotten out of Josh. But without Josh, I wouldnt have as deep of an understanding of a good boyfriend. Josh is what I need to steer clear of. Mike is what I deserve. I wont settle for much less than the best.
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| G'night... |
[25 Feb 2002|08:54pm] |
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Semi Sonic- Closing Time |
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Mike,
Nobody is answering the phone at your house so I figured I'd write you here in hopes that you find this tonight. I'm sorry for whatever I said on the phone that upset you. If you dont want me to be pushy about you getting your HW done, then by all means let me know.
Thanks for that letter today, it really truly made my day. I'm glad I am able to help you be a better guy. Thanks also for taking me out after school, it was yummy.
I'm glad that your interview went well. I really hope they hire you... more than you know. You'll be the best server at Denny's.
I miss you Mike. I hope that we can spend some good time together this weekend or maybe even sooner.
For now, I am going to bed cuz I am kinda tired and have nothing else to do. Hopefully you are finishing up your essay as I type this.
G'night Mikow, I love you.
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[12 Feb 2002|11:23am] |
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K-Ci and Jojo ? Last Night's Letter |
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Life is good.
My momma is back now, we picked her up on Sunday afternoon.
Her schedule for work is all crazy. She gets random weeks off because Reynolds School District is stupid and thinks thats better for the kids than to have a 3 month period of time off. So I am able to spend time with her and talk with her now.
It was way hard when she was gone and not only because I had to do all the work around the house, but because I wasnt able to talk with her. She was the one who I wanted to talk to about my feelings... about my grandpa dying, because she was the only one who could comfort me. Crying is a comfort for me and we seem to do that alot together. I couldnt cry with anyone. In short? when she was gone, my emotional needs werent met. I needed her to talk with about my grandpa because nobody else could understand losing your own flesh and blood.
But shes back now and we have already spent time talking about Papa and crying about him. She talked about memories of him and stuff... things I have wanted to talk about with her for awhile now. And something that surprises me is that we dont fight or anything anymore. It's so nice to get along with her. I hope it stays this way.
Valentines Day in a few days... I got Trish, Nicki, Ang and Risha some really cute bears that were really cheap. They have these huge tummies and are really soft.
I dont know who reads this... but I know that V-Day for lots of people is hard cuz they dont have someone to spend it with. My idea for those is to totally forget you dont have someone to give you a gift and go out and buy a few gifts and give them to someone else. The feeling of giving is an awesome one. You never know how much something small could mean to a person. And maybe by doing so you'll get something in return, and if not thats cool... you'll be able to know that you could have made their day.
I remember last year V-Day I didnt have anybody to give me a gift and there were all these girls walking around with flowers, balloons, candy, teddy bears, etc. I felt so crappy but then Jaymee gave me a little heart shaped box of candy and a card and it meant the world to me.
Mike and I are going downtown to our Italian restuarant and then the Italian coffee shop by Lloyd Center on V-Day. I have the greatest gift for him. On the weekend we are going up to Skamania with my parents, which is also a gift cuz its so expen$ive for brunch there. I can't wait cuz we havent been there since my birthday in August.
It's great having him on Gazette staff now. The only problem is that a girl that likes him is hanging out there all of a sudden, and it bugs me. He thinks it's because I feel threatened by her. I have a feeling that's not the case but I'm not exactly sure what is. I guess I am a rather selfish person and I dont want to share him or something. It's something that he and I established I needed to work on.
We had a fight cuz I thought he was flirting with her and he said he wasnt. So we eventually talked it out and made promises to work on things. My jealousy/trusting/selfish issues is what I am trying to improve. He is trying to work on his actions and how they might be percieved by others. It was really awesome the way we worked the whole issue out. But I still cannot stand this girl, she wants him pretty freakin bad and it just bugs the crap out of me that she doesnt fully recognize he is not game. I also dont like her cuz she was rude to me but thats a whole 'nother story.
I havent gotten a hug from him in 2 days. He has been working and schtuff. I hope I can survive :)
I was sittin at home
Thinkin to myself
I started thinkin bout u
how much i do love you
I would never trade you, never forsake you
Cause nothin could be better
That's why i wrote you this letter , I love you always baby
last night
i wrote a short letter
and it went this way
Dear baby i love you just thinkin of you
love always
last night
i wrote a short letter
and it went this way
Now i know i could've called, but it seems much better this way
Cause i'm missin you baby
i'm so blessed your my baby
Now you know i can't wait until tomorrow
when your in my arms again
holdin and kissin you doin the things we love to do
but then ......
last night
i wrote a short letter
and it went this way
Dear baby i love you just thinkin of you
love always
last night
i wrote a short letter
and it went this way
Dear baby i love you just thinkin of you
love always
oh baby i love you , i love you i love you
there's is nothin i wouldn't do
just to prove that i really really love you
baby i want you, i want you , i want you
and there's is nothin that i wouldn't do
than to love you.... i love you always
every night and everyday
I had the greatest night the other weekend. I went over to Angie's casa to stay the night. We watched Dumb and Dumber I think and played some pool then Nicki came over. We were trying to think of places to go to to have some fun but we couldnt think of any so we just drove... like the whole way down Division until it wasnt Division anymore. We passed a 7-11 and I wanted a slurpee so we went inside. As we were paying for our stuff these 2 good looking guys came in and Nicki and Ang were drooling but I didnt cuz I have more respect for my relationship with Mike than to do that. Then we went out to her car and as were getting in this other guy came up to us and asked what we were up to, our names, schtuff like that. He was totally flirting with all 3 of us. Then it started to rain so he wanted in the back so he wouldnt get wet. Of course I was in the back seat cuz I'm not as quick as Ang to call shotgun. Anyways, he said he and some guys (including the ones that came into 7-11) were trying to find directions to some party. All these guys had such nice cars... an acura, a few hondas and one other car I didnt recognize. He wanted to know if we wanted to come to the party. Then he wanted me to kiss him on the cheek, of course I turned him down for the same reason I wasnt checking the other guys out. Then he wanted Ang and Nicole to give him a kiss. Ang ended up kissing him and he ended up kissing Nicole. He tried to get me to kiss him 2 more times (with no luck) then he grabbed my arm and put it around him and started like kissing my hand all over. I couldnt pull away cuz he was leaning against my arm. Can you tell he wanted me? But yea, we followed them up the street to the place where the party was and got out and were about to go in. Then I was like thinking we probably shouldnt cuz the guys had been buying beer at the 7-11 and they were obvioulsly horny... no telling what they'd try. So I told Ang and Nicki I didnt really want to and so we just left, easy as that. Ang regrets that we didnt go cuz she thought the guy that had been kissing my hand was hot and Nicole said she would've liked to get with one of the guys.
Well our exciting night wasnt over yet... we got about a mile from the party and Nicoles car started to make weird noises and she said that wasnt a good sign. So we pull off into a residential area and she noticed that the power in her battery was way low. She turned of her car then she and Ang decided to go ask these people for a jump start. They said no. So then they see some guy pulling into his driveway up the street so they walk over to him and ask him if he would mind giving us a jump start. He said "No, I am not allowed to have any contact with children 18 and under." HELLO!!!! Obviously this man is some form of molester. I am so glad God was with us and made that man be straigh forward with us. So we all got back in her car to try it again but it wouldnt start. Next, Nicki's cellphone runs out of batteries. So we are sitting there wondering what the heck we are going to do, and I started to pray in my head. Then Ang outloud suggests we should pray. So we all add our own little prayers together and ask God to get the car to start and to get us home. Nicki adds in that she really will believe in Him if the car starts (she is an athiest). We say amen, Nicki turned the key and lo and behold the car started!!!!! First thing I said was "God is good, now you hafta believe in him!" Nicki actually said she did now. Well that still isnt the end of our adventure. We get driving along and Nicki immediately notices that all the lights are not working, including the headlights. So we pull into a QFC parking lot. We asked some people to give us a jump start but they didnt have cables so that didnt work. Then we asked some other people, who turned out to be 2 gay guys (no offense to homosexuals... just stating a fact) that were really nice if they would help us and they had cables so they gave us a jump start. But the battery power still didnt go up, so now we know that we couldnt help the car at all cuz we didnt know the problem. Next we go into QFC, Nicki calls her grandparents (its their car) hoping they wont be pissed cuz its 12 am and we are on the other side of town and never got permission to do so. Thank goodness they were cool with it and in like 20 minutes her grandpa is there and gave us all a ride back to Ang's.
When we got back we played some pool, ate some junk food, recapped our excursion and fell asleep watching Tommy Boy. I am so never going to forget that night!
Track starts next week..... ACK! Someone is way way way out of shape and is going to suffer the consequences. I have worked out I think 3 times in the past month... I suppose thats better than not at all but still. I remember what it was like in the beginning of the season last year and I really dont want to go through with that again. I was always struggling for breath and in pain and getting cramps in my calves. Uh oh...
I've written too much already... time for bed
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[29 Jan 2002|05:10pm] |
Look, you're standing alone,
However I should have known,
Never before,
Never again,
You will ignore,
I will pretend.
Never before,
Never again,
You will ignore,
I will pretend.
In your world you're alone in your face.
You're alone in your world.
You're alone in your face.
How you said you never would leave me alone, oh.
How you said you never would leave me alone.
Now, you're just walking away,
When you said you always would stay,
Never before,
Never again,
You will ignore,
I will pretend.
Never before,
Never again,
You will ignore,
I will pretend.
In your world, you're alone in your face
You're alone in your world.
You're alone in your face.
How you said you never would leave me alone, oh.
How you said you never would leave me alone.
Never before,
Never again,
You will ignore,
I will pretend.
In your world you're alone in your face.
You're alone in your world.
You're alone in your face.
How you said you never would leave me alone.
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[29 Jan 2002|02:31pm] |
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Rascal Flats- Prayin' for Daylight |
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Yesterday was a horrible day for me, after breakfast that is.
There were so many emotions inside of me just bubbling over... lonliness, rejection, devastation, drained-ness (?), anger and confusion.
Because my grandpa was sick and passed, my mom left for Pennsylvania where all her other family is. She hasnt been around for me to talk to and I love talking to her. I would wish for nothing else than for her to be here so that we could talk about everything going on in my life and especially all the feelings that are present when someone way close to dies. I have never had it happen to me before so I need an ear like hers. I need her so that I can cry with someone and not feel like a baby.
Cuz she is gone its just me and my dad. My dad is awesome, I love him so much. But he works like a madman. Work days go until 6:30 then he comes home and eats the food I make, watches TV and usually goes back to work or watches TV until I go to bed. Sometimes I sit at the table by myself eating cuz "he has to see the scores". That always hurts.
Yesterday I spent cooking, cleaning and doing tonz of laundry (Maggie peed on all my sheets and blankets plus the blanket on my parents bed)... with nobody home. I was with Mike earlier in the day but he was obsd with his other woman so I got pissed and left. Which I am glad I did cuz I got the point across to Mike but it sucked at the time.
I am going to have to continue to be alone around the house and do all the house work for another 2 weeks or so. My mom isnt coming back till then. Oh, and my grandpa's funeral was today. I sure hope it was a happy one cuz thats the way he would have liked it... with a bunch of jokes.
I also got a letter from my other grandpa yesterday telling me in his own beat-around-the-bush-cuz-he-doesnt-want-to-seem-like-he-was-trying-to-offend-anyone way that I wrote only about myself. His line was "... Consideration applies to all sorts of cases, even letting others tell of trips they ave just taken or things they have done recently before chiming in with all the things you have just done or places you have just visited." He also sent me a letter from my 57 year old aunt to him and on the top he wrote "Here is an example of a well written letter. Love, Gramps"
So I wrote him back a letter that said "Bite me." I wish... Actually I just marched upstairs and e-mailed him telling him how I felt and that I thought it was rude of him. I also reminded him that I am 15 and my aunt is 57. When my dad was going to school to study architecture, my grandpa told him that he couldnt become an architect cuz he wasnt smart enough. So I know it's not just me he is rude to.
I guess on a better note today was fine. I had my late and easy day today. I also had a class with Mike... then after school I went over to his house and we spent good time together. He didnt get his laptop out at all, wahoo!!!
I am still trying to catch up on the devotions I missed the week of, and before finals. I was totally doing awesome with them then I got all messed up cuz of stupid school. But the other side of that is now my grades will be quite good.... no C's.
Well I have wasted too much of my time already... gonna go make some kawfee and drink it alone.
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